Zombies: The Undead, the Unwashed, and the Unemployed

 

Zombies

 The Undead, the Unwashed, and the Unemployed

Let’s face it—zombies are the worst roommates.

They groan all day, never do the dishes, eat brains without asking, and have absolutely no concept of personal hygiene. Yet somehow, they’ve become pop culture royalty. From horror films to Halloween costumes to that one coworker before their morning coffee—zombies are everywhere.

🧠 What Do Zombies Want?

Simple.

Brains.

That’s it.

Not power, not money, not a blue checkmark on social media. Just good old-fashioned grey matter.

Honestly? Kind of refreshing. At least you know where you stand. Unlike your passive-aggressive neighbor Karen.

🧟‍♂️ Types of Zombies

• Classic Shufflers
  These guys walk slower than government paperwork but still somehow catch you. It's like being chased by your WiFi signal.

• Fast Zombies
  WHY. WHO INVENTED THESE. These cardio kings make marathons look like light stretching.

• Stylish Zombies
  Found only in post-apocalyptic Netflix series. Somehow rotting, but still rocking perfect eyeliner and distressed fashion.

🚨 Zombie Survival Tips (Totally Serious, Of Course)

• Rule 1: Cardio.
  If you can’t outrun a toddler, you’re already dinner.

• Rule 2: Aim for the Head.
  Not your boss’s. The zombie’s.

• Rule 3: Never Split Up.
  Unless you’re the side character with no backstory. Then... you were doomed anyway.

• Rule 4: Beware of Biting.
  This applies to zombies and emotionally unstable exes.

🧃 What Would Zombies Be Like in Real Life?

• They’d be stuck in traffic yelling “Braaaains!” at Siri.

• They’d be influencers posting selfies with captions like: #StillDead #CravingGrayMatter

• They’d be your coworker in Monday’s 9 AM meeting, emotionally and mentally undead.

💡 Final Thought

Maybe we’re all a little zombie sometimes—wandering through life half-asleep, looking for caffeine instead of brains, grunting at people who talk to us before breakfast.

So the next time you feel like a zombie…

eat something, nap a bit, and stop dragging your feet.Or at least wear deodorant.?

Finishing off with a poem 

Diary of a Modern Zombie

(A brainless day in rhyme)

Monday, 6 A.M. —

Woke up dead.

Hair’s a mess, but so's my head.

No coffee brewed, no cereal bowl,

Just cravings deep… for someone’s soul.

7 A.M. —

Sniffed the air, smelt toast and dread.

Chased a jogger. They fled. I bled.

Stubbed my toe on a parking cone,

Grunted loud. Now need new bone.

9 A.M. —

Tried to make a LinkedIn page,

“Experience: Apocalypse, Undead Rage.”

Skills? “Groaning, moaning, door

destruction.”

Endorsed by Steve. (He’s missing a function.)

12 P.M. —

Lunch: brains with fries on the side.

Asked politely, but they still cried.

No manners these days, I must say,

Humans used to scream in a classier way.

3 P.M. —

Wandered mall in Zara clothes,

No one noticed. Fashion? Who knows.

Tried on shoes, no feet inside,

Retail therapy for the newly-died.

6 P.M. —

Swiped on Tinder, got a match!

A vampire girl with a garlic patch.

She said “You reek.” I said “I rot.”

Love is tough when you’re room-temp hot.

9 P.M. —

Staring at moon, lost in thought,

(Well, used to think. Now, not a lot.)

Wrote this poem, now time to sleep—

Tomorrow’s grind is brain-deep.

Moral?

Whether you’re a zombie or just late for work,

Keep your humor, and never smirk—

At folks who groan, or move real slow…

They might just need a snack, you know.