A renowned expert in the art of chamchagiri answers questions about the sensitive field of sycophancy.
Can I find a cause for my master to support or is that jumping the gun?
Using brains is not common practice for chamchas but please suggest as many ideas as you can. Ensure most are half-witted but controversial and espouse them completely . Not only will your master have something to grunt about to TV cameras but you can waste a nation's time by demonstrating yet again how petty politics and non-issues hog the spotlight. This is where you can really shine, although the country may not.
Should I wash each of boss's toes individually or all five together?
Both ways are fine but please pay most attention to the big toe. Pedicure and jasmine-scented moisturizer will keep his feet pristine and your future experiments in devotion a more pleasant experience.
How long should I hold the kneeling position?
Longer the better. To make the act more complete, fold your hands and hum simple rhyming couplets like `sir , you are great, you are mahaan, if I am supari you are meetha paan'. Original phrases like this may add moments of creative spark to your life and keep brain cells working harder so at least a semblance of motor-neuron synaptic process runs in your khopdi.
How big should a mala be? Will 10kg be enough?
A mala is a sign of your devotion. Once you garland the object of your devotion, an unwritten bond is forged. You are married to the man. Or at least his ego. The more malas the better but be careful -as anything beyond a 25kg super genda mala can cause spondylitis and policy paralysis because the garlanded will find it impossible to move.
How many 'haan sirs' should you say per minute?
More the merrier. For best results, let the magic words spill even before he speaks, so that he is secure in the knowledge that everything he utters is replete with wisdom, even if it's just clearing his throat.
Are self-flagellation and 'power chamchagiri' techniques like eating sand worth it?
Self-flagellation is painful. But mock self-flagellation is worth it. Loud and continuous cries of "hai-hai" and a good whipping to the torso will make you appear a better slave. Favours will follow. Do this repeatedly in front of television cameras for greater effect.Eating sand has been practised once before but now it is protected by law (sand, not you) and can cause disruption to the alimentary canal. Have you heard the expression shi**ing bricks?
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